Warning: This is not a rant. My blog is supposed to be fun, observational humor about life as an ex-professional turned stay-at-home mom. This entry is not some serious commentary on gender relations or anything of the sort. With this caveat, I will continue…
I don’t understand why most women feel the need to ask for permission instead of forging ahead and doing what they feel must be done. I know that this is a generalization, but bare with me. I have never really given this idea much thought until the other day when I advised a close friend. I told her, “You know…it’s really easier to ask for forgiveness later than ask for permission first.”
This advice just came pouring out of my mouth like I had always known it to be true. I think my husband told this to me one time and I filed it away, only to retrieve it when the occasion presented itself.
My friend, Martha, told me that she did not like one of her colleagues. Martha is a very bright, funny, beautiful woman who is extremely capable …and I think …is highly qualified for the job that she is currently in. Everyone likes Martha and Martha likes everyone. I knew there was a problem when she said this to me. Martha and I have lunch and our kids play together. While on a play date, she told me that she is in the unique position, as a business owner, that she really doesn’t have to report to anyone. Martha is autonomous as a franchise owner of a small retail store. I’ve been in Martha’s store and it is an extremely well-run business. Martha is great doing what she does, even in this poor economy.
As a franchise owner, Martha could really do as she wishes, but she confessed the need to report to someone…anyone. Unfortunately, Martha needlessly asked her franchise manager to look over some of her advertising expenditures. Now, Martha has set an unnecessary precedent. The franchise manager now wants to exert more control where none was needed…or wanted. As we sat there watching our kids play, I could relate.
It wasn’t that long ago that I practiced law. There were days that I had to “find work” to do. It’s not that lawyering leaves you with leisure time on your hands. It’s just that you are in a strange position that you must chart out what steps to take to achieve an end result. Some days are busier than others. For me, I was accustomed to having every minute of my day planned for me prior to law school.
I spent six years as a special education teacher before going to law school. I was used to having every minute planned…including my bathroom breaks. As a teacher, you don’t have lunch hours, at least you don’t count the time you are hunched over a lunch tray sitting at a table watching your students eat while you scarf down mystery meat and a roll. When I taught, I had to ask permission for each penny I spent on my class, if I could swap out bus duty, whether or not I could take a sick day, and if someone could watch my class for five minutes while I went to the bathroom. Asking permission was mandatory, not a courtesy. Teaching is still a female dominated profession. I wonder if this makes a difference….
In the law and other male dominated professions, no one really thinks to ask permission. Once I entered the field of law, I remember feeling like I needed to tell someone where I was going at lunch and the need to only be gone for exactly sixty minutes. I let my secretary know if I would be gone for twenty minutes down to the courthouse or if I needed to spend ten dollars on a package of legal pads. Finally, my secretary told me one day that it wasn’t really necessary to tell her every move that I was making. She was appreciative that I was so diligent and that I had such a great work ethic, but she felt she needed to “let me off the hook.” After that, I felt lost. I called my husband (also a lawyer) at his office and whispered into the phone, “They don’t care where I am going or what I spend! What’s with that?” I remember him laughing and saying, “You’re a friggin’ lawyer, for Pete’s sake.” Oh, yeah.
Why is it so hard for women to just act…instead of seeking permission first? I don’t know the answer to that. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is slightly rebellious to start with. I have ADHD (which was diagnosed in law school, although I always knew it deep down) and have the natural tendency to act first…then apologize later. However, it appears that my hard wiring as a female keeps some of my ADHD symptoms in check. I’m just not sure.
I think the permission thing, for me, goes back to experiences that I have had working for female bosses. I have had one good experience and several “not so good” experiences. The bosses that are the most difficult to work for are the ones who feel it is their job to micro-manage. I call these people “hall monitors.” Almost every female boss that I’ve had has been a “hall monitor.” (again…excuse the generalization…in my case…this is totally true) Rarely, have I known a male “hall monitor.”
“Hall monitors” were those people in school that loved to tattle and obey the rules at all costs. “Hall monitors” are always chosen to “watch the class” while the teacher steps out. I was never a “hall monitor.” I despise “hall monitors.” If your job is one that requires a certain level of autonomy, working with a “hall monitor” can severely inhibit your ability to do your job effectively. Plus, you spend an inordinate amount of time wanting to punch them in the face…or that may just be me.
I remember one time that I worked for a “hall monitor.” I was in a unique position that I didn’t need to report to anyone, but I made the fatal mistake of asking, needlessly, for permission from my “hall monitor” superior. This set things in motion where from then on, I was expected to run every decision by the “hall monitor.” My creativity and my autonomy was zapped.
I began to think about permission, accountability, and autonomy. Would a man in my position so long ago have asked for permission where none was needed? Probably not. Would it have been expected for a male executive to even go to his superior and get advice or ask for some sort of accountability? I really doubt it.
In the wake of these questions, I just don’t think we, as women, should always assume permission is needed…especially when no one has asked for it in the first place. This is what men do. Why should it be any different?
Like most women, I seek permission before I do certain things instead of just doing it….”it” being a number of things. Well, I’m over “it.” Yes, I’m not in the workplace right now, but eventually I will return. I don’t think this is a phenomena exclusive to the workplace, either.
It’s just something I’ve been pondering. It makes my blood boil and gets me fired up. Like I’ve said…maybe it’s just my nature..my personality.
I’ve decided one thing: I don’t need “no stinkin’ permission any more!” Who’s with me?!
Thanks for the insightful post. I notice that this need to turn to the guy for permission is not just at work, but in places it certainly should not be. What really irks me is when a couple is in a coffee shop and she turns to him and in a questioning voice asks for permission for a coffee. Why can’t she just turn to the cashier and state outright what she wants?
How I love bucking tradition: I’ve always worked for men (except now that I’m teaching) and I was always a freebird, coming and going as I pleased, although sometimes I did feel like I was sneaking around when I wasn’t.
I can relate that my toughest bosses were women. The toughest, meanest and definitely a “hall monitor” type boss that my husband had was a woman.
Why is that? I am not generalizing either because I am a female boss and don’t believe that I am a “hall monitor” at all.
If you have to report to someone, it should be someone who trusts you to do your work. You shouldn’t need to run everything by your boss, or your position is pointless. You boss should do it himself.